Perhaps We'll Die

"Ack-OH-Aaaargh! okay! NEW RULE IN THE HOUSE!"

"What's that then?"

"No more leaving the juice sitting out for any extended period of time in the warm summer temperatures."

"Oh, okay. Did it turn or something?"

"No, there was a fly in it."

"Ah, so you had a fly in your glass?"

"No! I had a fly in my mouth!"

"You had a fly in your mouth?"

"Yes! A fly in my mouth. Ack!"

"Oh, sick."

"That's what I'm saying."




****




"How are you doing since the fly-in-your-mouth incident?"

"Ugh. Don't remind me. I can't get the taste of soggy fly out of my mouth. I guess I won't be on Fear Factor anytime soon."

"No? You not up for eating bugs then?"

"Nope."

"You know this whole thing today kinda reminds me of the time I ate soap."

"You ate soap?"

"Yes! You don't remember?"

"No. You really ate soap?"

"It's not like I meant to. It was when we were newly married, living in Vegas, and I was really sick one night and went to the cupboard to look for medicine."

"Uh-huh..."

"I found a bottle I had "borrowed" from your Mom's house. It was a cold medicine bottle with an orangey liquid inside. I thought it was Triaminic. It looked like Triaminic."

"Yeah?"

"It wasn't Triaminic."

"It was soap?"

"Yes! It was soap! I guess your Mom must have used that bottle to send some shampoo with one of your sisters to girls' camp or something. I thought it was medicine."

"Wait, so you took soap?"

"Yes! I am telling you, I took soap. By the way that's EXACTLY what you said to me that night when I woke you with my hysterics because I had just swallowed soap."

"I don't remember this."

"I do. It's one of my more embarrassing moments. I swallowed soap. On purpose. Kind of. I was delirious with the sniffles. I was in a panic after guzzling soap and wondered if I might get sick. You weren't especially sympathetic. You told me I could call Poison Control."

"Did you?"

"Yes! And I explained the whole thing to the operator and asked him if I was going to die now. He was very professional and didn't snicker too loudly. Not anywhere near as loudly as you are laughing right now."

"I can't help it. You swallowed soap!"

"Yeah, well you swallowed a fly!"

"No, I didn't swallow a fly. I just swished it around in my mouth and then spit it out."

"Oh, lovely."

"I am glad you didn't die when you swallowed soap."

"Yeah? And I am glad you didn't really swallow a fly."

I know an old lady who swallowed a fly.

I don't know why she swallowed a fly,

perhaps she'll die....