Making Lemonade

It has been THAT kind of a day. The kind of day where you'd like to chuck the entire PC straight through the window with one hand, whilst sharpening a fork with the other, priming to launch it into a co-worker's eye.

I didn't do it.
I'm just sayin'.

I don't like days like this and lately they seem to be running in constant relentless march one after the other. That's a rhythm that can really wear a person down. So in desperate need to keep my perspective at the glass half full level, I set forth these observations. Surely, the 'tude tune-up will have an impact.

First, to the woman on the phone who lied to me profusely, I shall not think of you as a HEINOUS HABITUAL LIAR, rather, from henceforth I will refer to you as SHE WHO CAN SPIN A MAGICAL YARN. I like to imagine you can knit full body warmers with your words.
I would like to order one in pink, please.

Next, to the teacher who dropped the ball (pun intended) and left it to me to clean up the mess: I will further refer to this incident as the time I really learned to bounce.
It was a great trip. Do it again, won't you?

Further, to the overwrought supervisor who shut down access to the "smoking patch" behind the school after what appears to be a breach of security I say thanks. Yes, thanks to you I have half a dozen overwrought smokers visiting me to ask just where they can go now for a bit of inhalation-relaxation. Without your influence I would not be seeing these people (and their doe-like eyes) and we would have missed these bonding moments.

Following, this is for the smokers on staff who are whining. I embrace your very squeaky wheelishness and say to you worry not, you will have your grease!

Onward now to the parents who just can't seem to read the well-structured-painstakingly-analyzed-overly-corrected-for-EAL-usage papers and documents I send home with dates and times specific for school activities I will share with you my happy secret:

Reading glasses save lives. Yours may be next.

But not to be shortsighted here, in future I will use LARGE PRINT on my flyers. And I will happily dot the i's with hearts, just for you all. Because, the truth is, I HEART YOU.

I have been thinking, perhaps I can use the opportunities created for me daily--to answer to same questions from the same people about the same things--to practice my dialects on the English. I have oft been accused of sounding like a Brit. Maybe this is my moment to move from Dick van Dyke cockney to posh Londoner... Yes, this is an opportunity for growth, not a pestering, annoying, altogether unbearable occurence. This. Is. Acting.

Hear me speak:
The letterhead is in the file room.
Did you turn the computer on?
There are pencils in the supply cabinet.
Sorry, I don't have any plastic cups here at my desk.
Did you press print?
Nope, no footballs in the office.
The paper supply is in the storeroom.
Yes, what can I do for you?

Finally, to those who call my office at 5:30 p.m. and then grumble over the fact that no one is in, I would like to kindly point out that it turns out the earth is indeed NOT flat and it is the SUN at the center of the universe.

There now, don't we all feel better?